Reader's Version
- Scandalous Scripture, Part 15
- Love, Lust & Marriage
- Sermon by Gene Simco — Reader’s Version
- Listening, Marriage, and the Problem of “We”
- In our last section, we talked about Solomon’s many wives and his listening heart, and I thought, that is a lot of listening. Nowadays people are worried about all the devices listening to us—our phones, Google, Alexa—but I heard they are coming out with a male version of Alexa, so we will not have to worry about that one because it will not be listening to anything.
- That reminded me of a conversation I had with my wife. She said, “You’re not listening to a word I’m saying.” I thought, What a weird way to start a conversation.
- Speaking of listening, a couple of weeks ago I told you about the birth of our daughter and said something husbands say all the time: “Heather and I had a baby.” We? That word was doing a lot of work. Heather carried the baby, went through the pregnancy, learned all the breathing exercises, went through labor, and actually gave birth. I had one major responsibility: remember the word epidural. Maybe men should get participation trophies for childbirth. “We had a baby.” Yes, we participated.
- Marriage is interesting, though, because Scripture eventually really does create a “we.” Genesis says that the two become one flesh. So in that sense there really is a “we,” but the problem comes when we bring a completely me-centered appetite into a relationship that God designed to become we. That takes us directly back to Solomon.
- Solomon’s Problem Was Solomon
- If you remember last week, Solomon’s problem was Solomon. We saw a man who had Scripture, extraordinary wisdom, direct warnings from God, enormous ability, and unbelievable accomplishment. Solomon could govern a kingdom, but could Solomon govern Solomon? Apparently not.
- First Kings begins by telling us that Solomon loved the LORD, but by chapter 11 we are told that Solomon loved many foreign women, and eventually his heart was turned away from God. We need to be careful with the conclusion here. The women really were part of the problem because the text explicitly says they turned his heart toward their gods, but Solomon was responsible for choosing those relationships, multiplying them despite God’s warning, and continuing to attach his heart to them. We cannot simply say, “Those women ruined Solomon,” as though Solomon were a helpless victim of everyone around him.
- And the issue was not merely that the women were foreign. Ruth was a foreign woman and becomes one of Scripture’s great examples of faithfulness. The real issue was who Solomon deliberately attached his heart to and where those relationships eventually directed it.
- That gives us the question for today: Is desire itself the problem?
- No. God created attraction. God created sex. God created marriage. God created desire. The problem is not simply that human beings want things. The question is what gives those desires their direction.
- That is where we are going today.
- The Bible is not against desire. It gives desire direction.
- Wisdom and Folly Are Both Calling
- This brings us to the book of Proverbs. The book is strongly associated with Solomon, although not every collection within Proverbs is directly attributed to him, and it belongs to the biblical genre we call wisdom literature. Much of Proverbs is framed as a father instructing his son, so wisdom and folly are frequently pictured as two women calling for his attention. That fits where we have just been with Solomon remarkably well. He had wisdom, but eventually stopped living according to it. So the question becomes: Which voice are we listening to, and where is that voice leading our heart?
- Before we get there, notice how Proverbs itself describes its purpose. Proverbs 1:1–4 says:
- “These are the proverbs of Solomon, David’s son, king of Israel.
- Their purpose is to teach people wisdom and discipline, to help them understand the insights of the wise. Their purpose is to teach people to live disciplined and successful lives, to help them do what is right, just, and fair. These proverbs will give insight to the simple, knowledge and discernment to the young.”
- There is that word again: discipline. Wisdom and discipline are connected right at the beginning of the book, which fits perfectly with what we saw in Solomon last week. The text also plainly identifies these as “the proverbs of Solomon,” so Solomon stands prominently behind this wisdom tradition even though other collections and voices appear later in the book.
- As we move through Proverbs 1–9, wisdom quickly becomes more than an abstract concept. Wisdom is personified as a woman calling people to listen. Proverbs 1:20–22 says:
- “Wisdom shouts in the streets. She cries out in the public square. She calls to the crowds along the main street, to those gathered in front of the city gate: ‘How long, you simpletons, will you insist on being simpleminded? How long will you mockers relish your mocking? How long will you fools hate knowledge?’”
- So we meet Lady Wisdom. She is calling publicly, inviting people away from foolishness and toward knowledge. But as Proverbs continues, we repeatedly meet another kind of woman as well. Proverbs 2:16 says that wisdom will save the young man “from the immoral woman, from the seductive words of the promiscuous woman.” Chapters 5–7 develop that warning at length: sexual foolishness, adultery, and appetite pulling someone toward a relationship that is not his.
- By the time we reach Proverbs 9, those themes come together and we get a very clear contrast between Wisdom and Folly. What is striking is that they are pictured doing almost the same thing. Both are calling. Both are inviting. Both are offering the simple person a place at their table.
- Proverbs 9:1–6 says:
- “Wisdom has built her house; she has carved its seven columns. She has prepared a great banquet, mixed the wines, and set the table. She has sent her servants to invite everyone to come. She calls out from the heights overlooking the city. ‘Come in with me,’ she urges the simple. To those who lack good judgment, she says, ‘Come, eat my food, and drink the wine I have mixed. Leave your simple ways behind, and begin to live; learn to use good judgment.’”
- Then drop down to verse 13:
- “The woman named Folly is brash. She is ignorant and doesn’t know it. She sits in her doorway on the heights overlooking the city. She calls out to men going by who are minding their own business. ‘Come in with me,’ she urges the simple. To those who lack good judgment, she says, ‘Stolen water is refreshing; food eaten in secret tastes the best!’ But little do they know that the dead are there. Her guests are in the depths of the grave.”
- Notice the parallel. Wisdom calls, and Folly calls. Both invite the simple. Both offer something that sounds desirable. But they lead in completely opposite directions. Wisdom calls us away from foolishness toward understanding, good judgment, the fear of the LORD, and ultimately life. Folly offers what is secret, immediate, exciting, and forbidden, but the person accepting her invitation does not realize where the road ends.
- Her house leads toward death.
- That is going to matter enormously as Proverbs begins talking about relationships, attraction, and desire.
- The Woman You Listen To Matters
- Remember how Proverbs is structured. Much of the book is framed as a father instructing his son, so Wisdom and Folly are repeatedly personified as women calling for his attention. Before the men get too comfortable with that picture, though, remember who became the fool in the story we just read: Solomon.
- Solomon asked God for a listening heart, but eventually Solomon stopped listening. Proverbs repeatedly says, “Listen, my son,” and that gives us an important relationship question before we ever get into sex or marriage. Do not ask only, “Are they attractive? Do we have chemistry? Do they like me?” Ask a much more important question: Where will this relationship lead my heart? Bank that question, because we are going to come back to it when we talk specifically to singles.
- Proverbs has quite a lot to say about women, and remembering that father-to-son dynamic, some of it gets pretty entertaining. It begins explaining what happens if you marry the wrong one. Proverbs 21:9 says, “It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.” Then Proverbs 25:24 says essentially the same thing again: “It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.”
- So apparently this is important. When Proverbs repeats itself that closely, we should probably pay attention.
- Then Proverbs 27:15–16 says, “A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day. Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands.” So apparently she is a roof problem. Living here in Southwest Florida, we can understand that one. Constant dripping on a rainy day will drive you crazy.
- Men have apparently been memorizing those verses for about three thousand years. Funny how these next verses do not seem to make it onto quite as many refrigerator magnets.
- A Wife as a Gift From the Lord
- Proverbs 18:22 says, “The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the LORD.” In other words, the man who finds a wife finds a good thing and receives favor from God. Proverbs 19:14 says, “Fathers can give their sons an inheritance of houses and wealth, but only the LORD can give an understanding wife.” So a prudent, understanding wife is from the LORD. Then Proverbs 12:4 says, “A worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones.”
- Taken together, Proverbs is not teaching that women are trouble. It is teaching that folly is trouble, while wisdom is a gift.
- And that lets us plant a question now that we will come back to later. If Scripture describes your spouse as a gift from the LORD, how are you treating the gift? Are you caring for it? Appreciating it? Honoring it? Or have you become so accustomed to the gift that most of what you notice anymore is what annoys you?
- We will come back to that.
- What Does That Gift Look Like?
- That brings us naturally to Proverbs 31, where the Wisdom Woman moves from something conceptual toward something tangible. Here we see a woman of strength, valor, and excellence. This is certainly not the weak, helpless caricature that people sometimes present as “biblical womanhood.” She works, creates, conducts business, buys property, provides for her household, helps the poor, speaks wisdom, and manages her home. Her husband trusts her, and her family praises her.
- This is wisdom embodied.
- The chapter begins by telling us that these are the sayings of King Lemuel, containing a message his mother taught him. So interestingly enough, here we have wisdom coming through a woman. The chapter begins with some advice about leadership, women, and not becoming a drunkard, and then eventually moves into this description of a capable wife.
- Proverbs 31:10–12 says:
- “Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”
- Again, we see the woman as something precious, trustworthy, and good. As the description continues, it begins to sound almost like some of the pastoral qualifications we have looked at before because she manages her household well and demonstrates character through what she actually does.
- Then Proverbs 31:25–31 says:
- “She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: ‘There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!’ Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.”
- Notice the conclusion: charm is deceptive, beauty does not last, but a woman who fears the LORD will be praised.
- Part 12 walks back into the room again: Do not confuse appearance with qualification.
- Now, physical attraction clearly exists. We are about to prove that rather dramatically. But attraction alone cannot carry a covenant. Character matters. That is part of the contrast Proverbs has been painting between Wisdom and Folly all along.
- Desire Is Not the Enemy
- And here is where Proverbs becomes even more interesting. After spending chapters warning the young man about sexual foolishness, adultery, and being drawn toward someone who is not his, the book does not solve sexual temptation by telling him to stop desiring. It does not say sex is dirty or that holiness requires becoming uninterested in women.
- Quite the opposite.
- Proverbs 5 tells him to rejoice in the wife of his youth, to delight in her and to be captivated—intoxicated—with her love. The answer to misdirected desire is not the destruction of desire. The answer is to direct that desire where it belongs.
- That gives us our transition:
- The Bible does not solve lust by destroying desire. It gives desire direction.
- And now we are ready for Song of Songs.
- Desire With Direction in Song of Songs
- Song of Songs, also called Song of Solomon, is attributed to Solomon, although that attribution is sometimes disputed. For our purposes, we are simply going to go with what the text actually says. Song of Songs 1:1 opens, “This is Solomon’s Song of Songs, more wonderful than any other.”
- This is Hebrew love poetry. The voices move back and forth primarily between a man and a woman, and at its plainest level the book is about attraction, longing, romance, physical desire, and mutual delight. In other words, the Bible is not embarrassed by desire. It gives desire direction.
- And this is where Scandalous Scripture really earns its name.
- Christians sometimes treat Song of Songs as though somebody accidentally slipped an erotic love poem into the Bible while God was not looking. Jewish and Christian readers have certainly found additional theological symbolism in the book, and that is fine. But the poetry itself compares love and attraction to fruit, animals, gardens, spices, landscapes, and the human body. We do not have to turn every goat, pomegranate, tower, gazelle, and body part into something else before allowing the text to celebrate human love and attraction.
- So let’s look at some of it, if only for the sake of embarrassment.
- Song of Songs 4:1–5 says:
- “You are beautiful, my darling, beautiful beyond words. Your eyes are like doves behind your veil. Your hair falls in waves, like a flock of goats winding down the slopes of Gilead. Your teeth are as white as sheep, recently shorn and freshly washed. Your smile is flawless, each tooth matched with its twin. Your lips are like scarlet ribbon; your mouth is inviting. Your cheeks are like rosy pomegranates behind your veil. Your neck is as beautiful as the tower of David, jeweled with the shields of a thousand heroes. Your breasts are like two fawns, twin fawns of a gazelle grazing among the lilies.”
- Hair like a flock of goats. Teeth like freshly washed sheep. A neck like a tower. Breasts like twin gazelles. Elsewhere, lips dripping with honey.
- I suppose some of you are going to try these pickup lines.
- And there is more.
- Song of Songs 4:12–13 says:
- “You are my private garden, my treasure, my bride, a secluded spring, a hidden fountain. Your thighs shelter a paradise of pomegranates with rare spices—henna with nard.”
- That got uncomfortable.
- Gentlemen, use caution before attempting these compliments at home.
- But underneath the ancient imagery is something very healthy. He delights in her, and she delights in him. She is not merely an object being admired by the man. She speaks. She wants his kisses. She admires his appearance. She describes his body. She desires him. The attraction goes both ways.
- Biblical sexuality in Song of Songs is mutual delight, not merely male consumption.
- That gives us a funny callback to Proverbs as well. Proverbs gave us one kind of dripping: the quarrelsome spouse, constant dripping on a rainy day. Song of Songs gives us another kind: lips dripping with honey. Apparently Scripture gives us options for our dripping.
- But Song of Songs does not merely celebrate desire. It also places guardrails around it. Repeatedly we hear the refrain, “Do not awaken or arouse love before its proper time.” At minimum, love is not something to be prematurely forced or carelessly awakened.
- And there is Part 14 again: discipline.
- Desire is good, but timing matters. Boundaries matter. Exclusivity matters. Self-control matters. The fact that Scripture celebrates desire does not mean desire gets to govern us.
- Then, by the time we reach Song of Songs 8, the language has matured into something deeper and enduring: “Set me as a seal upon your heart.” Many waters cannot quench this love. What began with attraction and longing has become something steadfast, exclusive, and durable.
- So the movement of the Song is not simply appetite.
- It is desire with direction—desire moving toward exclusivity, commitment, and enduring love.
- That is a very different picture from Solomon’s later life. Solomon accumulated women. Song of Songs gives us the language of two people delighting specifically and deeply in one another. Desire itself was never the enemy. The question was always where that desire was being directed.
- Desire, Marriage, and the New Testament Guardrails
- When we turn to the New Testament, which gives us the best commentary on the Old, we come back once again to 1 Corinthians. We have been spending quite a bit of time in this letter throughout the series. Early on, Paul is dealing with what we might call pastor worship—the Corinthians dividing themselves around personalities and leaders—and by chapter 9 he will use his own life as an example of discipline and self-control. But in between, Paul deals extensively with sex, the body, and marriage. Chapter 5 addresses serious sexual sin within the church. Chapter 6 talks about the holiness of the body and prostitution. Then chapter 7 responds to questions concerning marriage, sexual relations, singleness, divorce, and remarriage.
- First Corinthians 7:1–5 says:
- “Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations. But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
- Notice how direct Paul is. Marriage gives sexual desire a covenant home, and the mutuality in his language is striking. The husband does not get to treat his wife as his property, and the wife does not get to treat her husband as her property. Paul places responsibility on both of them. The husband owes care and sexual faithfulness to his wife, and the wife owes the same to her husband. Even temporary abstinence is not supposed to become a weapon or a means of manipulation. Paul says it should happen by mutual agreement, for a limited time, and for a spiritual purpose.
- So biblical sexuality is not selfish consumption. It is mutual covenant stewardship.
- And notice how self-control has appeared again. Song of Songs celebrates desire, but Paul reminds us that even good desire still needs guardrails. Marriage is not permission for selfishness. It is a covenant in which two people learn to give themselves faithfully to one another.
- Marriage Is Not the Goal of Christianity
- Then Paul turns to unmarried Christians, and this is important because Christianity sometimes creates the impression that everybody is supposed to get married. People will quote, “Be fruitful and multiply,” as though it were a universal command requiring every believer to find a spouse and have children.
- But look at where that language appears in Scripture. God gives that command to humanity at creation in Genesis 1, and after the flood He gives it again to Noah and his family as humanity begins again. The language also appears later in God’s covenant promises to Jacob—Genesis 35:11 specifically tells Jacob, “Be fruitful and multiply.” So the phrase is certainly biblical, but the New Testament makes it very clear that marriage and childbearing are not universal requirements for every individual follower of Jesus.
- Paul actually says the opposite of that assumption.
- First Corinthians 7:6–9 says:
- “I say this as a concession, not as a command. But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another. So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust.”
- Then, later in the chapter, Paul explains one of the particular advantages of remaining unmarried:
- “I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.”
- Now several things we have been talking about start coming together. We have self-control, and we have undivided loyalty. Paul recognizes sexual desire and gives marriage as its proper covenant context, but he does not turn marriage into the finish line of Christian maturity. Singleness can itself be a gift from God, and it can create opportunities for a kind of undivided devotion to Christ that married people, by the very nature of marriage, have to balance with responsibilities toward a spouse and family.
- Further Reading
- For those who want to go deeper into the biblical nature of marriage itself—what marriage looked like in Scripture, what constituted marriage, and how biblical marriage differs from the ceremonies we are accustomed to today—we covered that in a separate message before this series.
- https://youtu.be/_msrgu52-uQ?si=zHXD3PObY6KpzoyV
- Divided Loyalty or Undivided Devotion?
- And now the connection back to Solomon becomes almost too perfect.
- Solomon ended with divided loyalty.
- Paul is calling Christians toward undivided devotion.
- So if you are unmarried, you are not a Christian waiting for someone else to complete you. Your life is not waiting to begin. You do not need a spouse before you can fully serve Jesus, grow in wisdom, build character, develop self-control, or live a meaningful Christian life. Use the season God has given you.
- And if marriage comes, ask a better question than simply, “Do I want this person?”
- Ask, “Where will this relationship lead my heart?”
- Will this person encourage my devotion to Jesus, or slowly divide it? Will this relationship help us pursue wisdom, holiness, and faithfulness, or will it begin pulling us toward something else?
- Even the desire for marriage can become an idol if we allow it to replace devotion to Christ. Marriage is a gift, but it is not the Savior. A spouse can be a gift from the Lord, but a spouse was never designed to take the place of the Lord.
- Desire still needs direction.
- Participation Is Not the Same as Growth
- Over the last few messages, I have been weaving pieces of my own story into these applications, partly because I am willing to throw myself under the bus when it helps make the point. One of the things I have talked about is my years in the martial arts industry.
- Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu is built around leverage, and one of the things that shocked people when it first became popular was watching a much smaller person defeat somebody who looked far stronger. That was always entertaining at the MMA gym. Every once in a while, somebody would come in—a huge bodybuilder with an attitude problem, or maybe an experienced martial artist with a black belt—and I would intentionally pair him with the smallest person in the room. Sometimes that person was a woman who weighed about 110 pounds.
- Watching her tap out a 200-pound guy was always educational.
- Not only because of the technique, but because it revealed something about the person being beaten. It created an internal conflict. Would he become humble enough to learn? Would he stay? Would he admit that the résumé he walked in with did not mean what he thought it meant? Or would he walk out and never come back?
- Remember, I have told you about having moments like that myself. Martial arts has a way of showing you very quickly whether you are actually as good as you think you are.
- And there was one clue that almost always told me somebody was about to lose. It was when the main argument on his résumé was time in.
- “I’ve been doing martial arts for twenty years.”
- “I’ve trained for thirty years.”
- “I have a black belt.”
- Whenever time became the main evidence that somebody was good, you could almost bet that person was about to get tapped out. Because time in does not automatically mean growth. You can spend a very long time doing something badly.
- Maybe We Really Do Need Participation Trophies
- That brings us back to marriage.
- People love saying, “We’ve been married thirty years.” Forty years. Fifty years. And longevity does matter. It really does. Staying committed through decades of life is worth honoring.
- But remember the joke from the beginning: “Heather and I had a baby.”
- We?
- Heather did almost everything. I remembered epidural.
- Maybe men really do need participation trophies.
- “I participated.”
- And sometimes marriage can work exactly the same way. “We’ve been married thirty years.” Okay. How much of those thirty years has the other person been carrying?
- You did not cheat? Good for you.
- Congratulations. You do not get a trophy for that.
- You stayed married? Good. But you do not get a participation trophy simply because you occupied the marriage for thirty years and checked the box.
- The biblical standard is much richer than, “We shared an address and neither one of us slept with somebody else.”
- So the question is not merely, How long have you been married?
- The harder question is, How well have you been loving the person you married?
- Time in matters. But time in by itself does not prove growth, skill, character, faithfulness, or love.
- And marriage is far too important to reduce to participation.
- Can You Govern Yourself When No One Is Looking?
- So before we congratulate ourselves too quickly because, “Well, I never cheated,” remember the question from Part 14: Can Solomon govern Solomon? Now make that personal. Can you govern yourself when no one is looking?
- Jesus raises the standard in Matthew 5. He begins with the command people already knew from the Old Testament: “You must not commit adultery.” But then Jesus goes underneath the outward act and addresses the heart. He says that looking at a woman with lust has already brought adultery into the heart. So biblical faithfulness cannot be reduced merely to whether somebody physically crossed a line that other people could see.
- That makes the questions more uncomfortable. What are you looking at? What are you feeding? Where does your imagination go? What happens to desire when nobody else can see it? That is where discipline actually gets tested, because private desire reveals whether we are governing ourselves or simply behaving well enough to maintain appearances.
- Last week we learned that accomplishment is not necessarily discipline. This week we can add that faithfulness is not merely what we avoid publicly; it also includes what governs our heart privately. So before we hand ourselves that participation trophy because we never technically committed adultery, Jesus reminds us that the standard reaches much deeper than simply staying on the right side of a visible line.
- Are You Caring for the Gift?
- Some men will complain, “My wife doesn’t look like she did twenty-five years ago.” Well, neither do you. And in many cases, she carried your children, gave birth to your children, helped raise those children, worked, served, carried stress, and aged right alongside you. So before you start grading how she has changed, it might be worth asking how you contributed to some of those changes.
- After stuffing her full of babies, some guys then neglect her, neglect the relationship, neglect themselves, and somehow still sit back evaluating her appearance. No. You do not get a participation trophy for that either.
- And this runs both ways. Proverbs 31:31 says, “Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.” Notice the direction of that. Scripture does not merely tell us to notice what has changed or what annoys us. It tells us to recognize what someone has done and give honor where honor is due.
- Nobody gets to demand attraction while completely neglecting their own character, affection, health, hygiene, attention, friendship, tenderness, or the marriage itself. Song of Songs showed us two people who are still noticing one another, still speaking admiration, still expressing desire, and still delighting in the person they have.
- A lot of people spend years asking, “Did I marry the best person?” Maybe we should ask a different question: Am I becoming the best husband or wife I can be for the person I married?
- If your spouse is a gift from God, are you also being a gift to them?
- That brings Proverbs back into the conversation. We have already seen that Scripture describes a good spouse as a good thing, favor from the LORD, and something only God can ultimately provide. If that person is a gift, then how are you caring for the gift?
- God Takes the Way We Treat One Another Seriously
- First Peter 3 speaks about character and inward beauty for women, much like Proverbs 31 did, and then Peter turns directly to husbands. First Peter 3:7 says:
- “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.”
- Peter tells the husband to live with his wife according to knowledge and understanding, to honor her, and to recognize her as a fellow heir of God’s gracious gift of life. Then Peter makes the warning remarkably serious: the way a husband treats his wife can actually hinder his prayers.
- So gentlemen, if you really enjoyed those Proverbs about the dripping wife, Peter has something for you too. Know her. Understand her. Honor her. Apparently God takes the way you treat His gift seriously enough to connect it with your prayer life.
- That surprises a lot of modern Christians because we have sometimes reduced the Christian message to, “I am saved by grace, so behavior is almost secondary.” Yes, we are absolutely saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ. Ephesians 2:8–9 says that salvation is not something we accomplish by works, so nobody gets to boast about earning it. But keep reading. Verse 10 says that we are God’s workmanship, created anew in Christ Jesus for good works.
- Grace does not make righteousness irrelevant. Grace creates a people who are supposed to live differently.
- Peter makes that point immediately in the same passage. A few verses later, he quotes Psalm 34: “The eyes of the LORD watch over those who do right, and his ears are open to their prayers. But the LORD turns his face against those who do evil.” That is not some strange New Testament idea. The Old Testament repeatedly says the same thing. Isaiah 1 describes people bringing sacrifices and prayers while living wickedly, and God tells them He will not listen until they turn from evil and learn to do good. Amos 5 makes a similar point when God rejects Israel’s religious festivals, offerings, and songs while demanding that justice and righteousness actually characterize their lives.
- So Scripture is remarkably consistent. We are not saved because we have somehow behaved well enough to earn God’s favor, but God absolutely expects the people He saves to live righteously.
- And that includes something as practical as how we treat the husband or wife He has given us.
- If we are going to call our spouse a gift from the LORD, then we should probably treat them like one.
- What Love Actually Does
- Now let’s connect all of this to Jesus. Genesis says that the two become one flesh, and Paul repeats that language in Ephesians. Now there truly is a “we.” But biblical marriage is not simply two selfish appetites negotiating how much each person can get from the other. Before Paul reaches the one-flesh language, he gives us the pattern that is supposed to govern the relationship.
- Ephesians 5:21–29 says:
- “And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.
- “For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.”
- The word translated “reverence” in verse 21 is φόβῳ — phobō, from φόβος — phobos, the ordinary Greek word for fear. The phrase is ἐν φόβῳ Χριστοῦ — en phobō Christou, literally “in the fear of Christ.” So Paul begins this entire discussion with both husband and wife living under the authority of Jesus before he ever addresses their responsibilities toward one another.
- Then Paul gives husbands their model, and the model is not Solomon. It is Jesus. Christ loved the church, and He gave Himself for her.
- That gives us perhaps the simplest distinction in this whole sermon. Lust asks, “What can I get from you?” Love asks, “What can I give for you?”
- Solomon accumulated women. Jesus gave Himself for His bride. Solomon shows us what happens when desire becomes consumption; Jesus shows us what love looks like when it becomes self-giving. One takes and accumulates. The other loves and gives Himself away.
- Steward the Gift and Be the Gift
- So what do we actually do with this? Across Parts 14 and 15, we have seen that discipline and stewardship are godly traits. We should not simply check a few boxes and assume that means we are doing well. “I didn’t cheat.” Good. “I stayed married.” Good. But that can become like what we talked about last week with junk food: “I got the Diet Coke.” Wonderful. That does not automatically cancel the Big Mac and the large fries.
- One disciplined-looking decision does not excuse neglect everywhere else.
- If your spouse is a gift, then steward the gift. And just as importantly, be the kind of gift you are thankful to have received. Tell your spouse what you appreciate about them. Listen. Protect time together. Be affectionate. Keep pursuing one another. Take care of yourself rather than expecting the other person to remain attentive while you completely neglect yourself. Scripture certainly treats our bodies as belonging to God; Paul tells believers in 1 Corinthians 6 that the body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and that we are to honor God with our bodies. So bodily stewardship matters too.
- Then there are the ordinary things that end up mattering enormously over decades of marriage. Apologize when you are wrong. Forgive. Laugh together. Pray together. Put the phone down. Pay attention to each other. Remember that you actually like this person.
- The question is not simply whether I am still married. Ask instead, Am I still becoming someone who is good to be married to? And am I treating this person like the gift Scripture says they are?
- For those who are unmarried, your life is not waiting to begin. Pursue undivided devotion to Christ. Build character before chemistry. Learn self-control before marriage ever requires it. Do not rush intimacy simply because desire exists. And if you are considering someone, do not ask only, “Do I want this person?” Ask the more important question we planted back in Proverbs: Where will this relationship lead my heart?
- Will this person encourage my devotion to Jesus, or gradually divide it? Will this relationship help direct my desire toward wisdom, faithfulness, and Christ, or begin pulling me somewhere else?
- Because whether we are married or unmarried, the issue underneath all of this remains the same: desire needs direction.
- Desire Needs Direction
- Solomon knew wisdom, but eventually his desire lost its direction and his heart followed his appetite. Jesus gives us another picture. Solomon loved by accumulating, while Jesus loves by giving Himself away. That is the contrast we have been moving toward throughout this message.
- So the Christian question is not merely, “Did I avoid the wrong person?” It is also, “Am I loving the right person well?” And whether we are married or unmarried, the deeper question remains the same: What is directing my desire?
- God is not against desire. He created it. But desire without wisdom can become appetite, appetite without discipline can become idolatry, and idolatry eventually turns the heart away from God. Solomon shows us exactly where that road can lead.
- So desire needs direction, and ultimately every desire belongs under the lordship of Jesus.
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- ©️Copyright 2026 Gene Simco Most Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved. Scriptures in brackets reflect the original Biblical languages.