Sermon Transcript
Reader's Version
Biblical Marriage: From Ritual To RelationshipSermon by Gene SimcoReader’s Version
I once heard a story about Adam and Eve. Now, this may not be a biblically accurate story, but it’s an entertaining one nonetheless.
As the story goes, Adam had a habit of staying out late at night, which often irritated Eve. Eventually, she began to question him, asking, “Are you seeing someone else?” Each time, Adam would reassure her, saying, “No, Eve, you’re the only woman here.” Yet, night after night, she’d ask, “Are you sure you’re not seeing another woman?” And he’d reply, “Woman, you’re it!”
One night, as they slept, Adam suddenly woke up to the sensation of something poking his chest. At first, he thought a bird might have landed on him. But when he opened his eyes, he saw Eve lying beside him, poking at his chest.
“What are you doing?” Adam asked.
Eve replied, “I’m counting your ribs.”
In this chapter, we’re going to talk about marriage. And what better place to start than with Adam and Eve—the first man and woman in creation. Whether you believe their story is allegorical or literal, it still provides us with a clear picture of God’s design for a man and a woman.
As we turn to the first chapter of Genesis, we see the sixth day of creation: animals are brought into being, and then we come to Genesis 1:26—
Genesis 1:26 Then God said, “Let us make human beings[b] in our image, to be like us. They will reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, the livestock, all the wild animals on the earth, and the small animals that scurry along the ground.” 27 So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
So this is the pattern we see throughout the entire Bible: marriage is between a man and a woman.
Now we come to the "who" of this question: who do we marry? Men and women? Whether we see this story as literal or allegorical, it still represents the image of God. When we depart from that image, we’re denying God’s design. And throughout the Bible, we find no other example of marriage than between a man and a woman, or the togetherness of a man and a woman.
Now, we already discussed the topic of homosexuality in the chapter on "What is Sin?", so here I’ll just provide a brief overview, but I encourage you to go back to that chapter for more depth.
In addressing homosexuality, we find clear examples in 1 Corinthians 6 and 1 Timothy. One significant point in these passages is the warning about “inheriting the Kingdom of God.” This is a strong and, frankly, frightening warning for those who may be involved in this sin. It’s worth noting, however, that there is debate around the Greek word for homosexual acts here. The word often discussed is ἀρσενοκοίτης (arsenokoítēs, pronounced ar-se-no-KOI-tace), used in 1 Corinthians 6:9 and 1 Timothy 1:10. This term combines ἄρσην (arsēn, “male”) and κοίτη (koitē, “bed” or “sexual intercourse”), conveying “a man who beds with a male.” Yet the main point is that Scripture says those engaged in such actions “will not inherit the Kingdom of God.”
Paul also addresses this topic in Romans 1, where he describes the sins of the Gentiles. Paul explains that even though they were not Jewish, they knew of God’s existence through nature. Then, he talks about their choices, saying that both men and women “exchanged natural relations for those that are against nature.” Here, the Greek words are φύσις (phýsis, pronounced FOO-sees), meaning “nature,” and παρά φύσιν (pará phýsin, pronounced pa-RA FOO-seen), meaning “against nature.” Paul describes how they traded natural relations for unnatural ones, specifically referring to homosexual acts. What’s striking is that Paul wrote this almost 2,000 years ago, describing behaviors from long before his time, yet his words could easily apply to today. This shows us the timelessness of God’s Word. And yet, some still argue that the Bible is ancient and outdated, irrelevant to modern life.
But we can see that Scripture is timeless because it even addresses the future. In Revelation 21:8, we see a warning to the “sexually immoral,” which translates from the Greek word πόρνος (pórnos, pronounced POR-nos). This term refers to all kinds of sexual sin, and from it, we get the modern word “pornography.” The Bible consistently upholds marriage and sexuality as designed by God for one man and one woman. So, all sexual sins—whether homosexuality, adultery, or others—are considered sins. In Revelation, it says that those who persist in these sins “will not inherit the Kingdom of God,” nor be part of the new heavens and new earth. This isn’t confined to one culture or era but is addressed for all time in God’s Word. Hebrews 13:8 reminds us, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” His nature doesn’t change, and if we are made in His image, then that truth is also unchanging.
This isn’t just a cultural issue; it’s a reflection of God’s nature. God’s nature does not change, even when society does. Cultures may shift, but nature doesn’t. This is how God created us and what He created us for. Although society may evolve, God’s image and design remain constant.
Throughout Scripture, Jesus is consistently referred to as “He,” and there are clear examples of “he’s” and “she’s.” We aren’t denying the diversity of God’s creation; we’re honoring the design He has given humanity.
Let’s revisit the covenants to see how these principles carry through. While some covenantal rules adapt over time, God’s design remains unchanging. As we continue, let’s look closely at Genesis 1:28.
Genesis 1:28 Then God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground.”
“Be fruitful and multiply.” This phrase is often associated with the prosperity gospel, which sometimes emphasizes it as a call for material or personal expansion. However, now we’re under a new covenant.
In those early days, this command was vital because the earth needed to be populated—there was no one else on it. That mandate was essential then, but we’re no longer in that same timeline. Interestingly, we can note that Jesus himself wasn’t married, meaning he didn’t fulfill that command to multiply. And yet, He was sinless, showing us that righteousness is not tied to marriage or having children.
Now, let’s take a look at Matthew 19, where Jesus addresses marriage and divorce. I want to provide the context for this, then discuss the broader purpose of marriage. So, let’s begin with the situation Jesus is addressing in Matthew 19:1—
Matthew 19:1 When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went down to the region of Judea east of the Jordan River. 2 Large crowds followed him there, and he healed their sick. 3 Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce [ἀπολῦσαι] his wife for just any reason?” 4 “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” 5 And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ 6 Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”
“God made them male and female.” And He said, “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” Here, we see the foundation of marriage as God intended it. Jesus points out that marriage is between a man and a woman—period. And, as Hebrews 13:8 reminds us, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” This truth remains consistent, even as we look toward the future in Revelation.
This has been God’s design from the very beginning. Now, if we continue, we come to Matthew 19:7, where the Pharisees question Jesus. They ask, “Then why did Moses say…?”
Matthew 19:7 “Then why did Moses say in the law that a man could give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away?” they asked. 8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended. 9 And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries [γαμήσας] someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful.”
The term used for "marries" in Matthew 19:9, γαμήσας (gamēsas), carries significant implications in the context of biblical marriage. Derived from the Greek verb γαμέω (gameō), meaning "to marry," it often implies entering into the full union of marriage, including its physical and covenantal aspects. In the cultural and linguistic context of the time, marriage was understood not merely as a ceremonial act but as a union that was consummated physically, thereby sealing the covenant between husband and wife.
Interestingly, the term γαμέω has also evolved in modern Greek to carry a colloquial connotation referring specifically to the physical act of marriage, albeit in a more vulgar sense. While this modern usage diverges from the biblical context, it underscores the historical connection between marriage and consummation in ancient Greek thought. You are probably familiar with the word monogamy, which derives from the Greek μονός, monos (one), and γάμος, gamos (marriage), but connotates sexual intercourse.
This connection further highlights the theological understanding of marriage as a union designed by God for complementary physical and spiritual unity. As Jesus refers to the union of "one flesh" in Matthew 19:5, He reaffirms that this covenant involves not only emotional and relational aspects but also physical oneness as part of God’s design. This theological foundation contrasts with modern reinterpretations of marriage that deviate from its original intent, including same-sex unions, which do not align with this physical and complementary design.
Here, we also see an example of something permitted under the law—divorce—that Jesus clarifies as not part of God’s ultimate design. This takes us back to the concept of covenants. Remember, in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus often says, “But I say to you…” He contrasts the old laws with His teachings, saying things like, “You have heard that the law says…” and then, “But I say to you…” He continually redefines these teachings, showing us a deeper understanding of God’s intent. This brings us to an interesting statement in Matthew 19:10—
Matthew 19:10 Jesus’ disciples then said to him, “If this is the case, it is better not to marry!”11 “Not everyone can accept this statement,” Jesus said. “Only those whom God helps. 12 Some are born as eunuchs, some have been made eunuchs by others, and some choose not to marry for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.”
Remember what I mentioned about the covenants? Here, Jesus says it might actually be better not to marry. This is an interesting point because Jesus—and we’ll see this more later—wants us to be fully devoted to Him, to the kingdom of heaven. Notice that He says, “For the sake of the kingdom of heaven.”
Now, some may get caught up on the passage about eunuchs, where it says that some are “made that way.” This is often misunderstood, with some interpreting it as a comment on homosexuality or transgenderism. But look closely: this isn’t about homosexuality. It’s simply referring to people who, by nature, may not marry or procreate. In the context of “Be fruitful and multiply,” God creates some who simply cannot procreate, and that’s the point here. It’s not about sexuality but about different capacities God has given to individuals.
Looking at Scripture, it’s clear that marriage itself isn’t wrong. We know Peter was married, as seen in Mark 1 and 1 Corinthians 9, where his mother-in-law and wife are mentioned. So, marriage was not an example to avoid, nor is it a sin to marry. On the other hand, Paul, like Jesus was not married, and we see that Paul himself addresses marriage, divorce, and remarriage in 1 Corinthians 7.
In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul is addressing several issues, including sexual sin. Starting from 1 Corinthians 5, we see a situation involving sinful behavior, and then in chapter 6, after a brief discussion on lawsuits, he returns to sexual sin, mentioning homosexuality as well. By chapter 7, Paul shifts to discussing marriage, divorce, and remarriage. So let’s highlight a few key points on the topic of marriage and divorce from 1 Corinthians 7.
1 Corinthians 7:1 Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations. 2 But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.
1 Corinthians 7:7 But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another. 8 So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. 9 But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust.
1 Corinthians 7:28 But if you do get married, it is not a sin. And if a young woman gets married, it is not a sin. However, those who get married at this time will have troubles, and I am trying to spare you those problems. 29 But let me say this, dear brothers and sisters: The time that remains is very short. So from now on, those with wives should not focus only on their marriage. 30 Those who weep or who rejoice or who buy things should not be absorbed by their weeping or their joy or their possessions. 31 Those who use the things of the world should not become attached to them. For this world as we know it will soon pass away. 32 I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. 33 But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. 34 His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.
“I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord with as few distractions as possible.” Under the new covenant in Christ, not being married is seen as ideal, as it allows us to be fully devoted to the Lord.
Scripture also says that if we do marry, we’ll face certain troubles—which is, honestly, a bit humorous! But the principle here is to “stay as you are.” So, if you’re single, stay single, and if you’re married, stay married. Now, again, there’s nothing wrong with being married, as we’ll see when we examine this further.
We’ll look briefly at 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1. Some interpret these passages to suggest that marriage is actually a requirement for pastoral leadership because they discuss the need for leaders to manage their households well.
We’ll return to this topic shortly, but let’s first address the ideal around divorce. The guiding principle is to “stay as you are.” Ideally, one should avoid divorce. Now, on the topic of divorce and remarriage, let’s go back to Matthew 19.
Matthew 19:3 Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife for just any reason?” 4 “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” 5 And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ 6 Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” 7 “Then why did Moses say in the law that a man could give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away?” they asked. 8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended. 9 And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful.”
Again, we see the shift from the old covenant practices. When discussing covenants, we looked at Matthew 5, where Jesus frequently reinterprets the law. In Deuteronomy 24, it was stated that a man could issue a certificate of divorce to his wife. But in Matthew 5, Jesus establishes a new standard, saying, “You have heard that the law says a man can divorce his wife by merely giving her a written notice of divorce. But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery.” Here, Jesus clarifies that it is adultery or sexual sin that breaks the covenant.
Divorce isn’t ideal, and we shouldn’t be seeking it.
If we return to 1 Corinthians, we can explore this idea of divorce further. Paul addresses situations involving new believers who were previously pagan. In some cases, one partner becomes a Christian while the other remains an unbeliever. This can lead to the unbeliever leaving the relationship or even divorcing the believer. Paul addresses these scenarios in 1 Corinthians 7. Let’s continue with 1 Corinthians 7:10—
1 Corinthians 7:10 But for those who are married, I have a command that comes not from me, but from the Lord. A wife must not leave her husband. 11 But if she does leave him, let her remain single or else be reconciled to him. And the husband must not leave his wife. 12 Now, I will speak to the rest of you, though I do not have a direct command from the Lord. If a fellow believer has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. 13 And if a believing woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. 14 For the believing wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the believing husband. brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy. 15 (But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the believing husband or wife is no longer bound [δεδούλωται] to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.) 16 Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you?
Staying married is the ideal. Ideally, we should remain as we were when we came to Christ. But questions come up: what if the unbelieving spouse decides to leave? Significantly, Scripture says that in such cases, “they are not bound.” The Greek concept behind this term δεδούλωται is rooted in the word δουλόω (douloo, pronounced doo-LO-o), which means “to enslave” or “to be bound.” So, “not bound” here implies that remarriage is permissible if the unbelieving spouse leaves.
Now, another question arises about staying with an unbeliever, which may seem to contradict 2 Corinthians 6, where it says, “Do not be yoked with unbelievers.” The context here is essential. In this situation, the couple was already married before one of them came to faith. 2 Corinthians 6 refers to choosing marriage with an unbeliever, whereas here, Paul speaks to believers already in that marriage. He says, “Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you?”
This teaching closely mirrors 1 Peter 3:1, where Peter writes, “In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives.” In both passages, the idea is that through our actions and faithful witness, we may lead our spouses to Christ. While it’s unfortunate if they choose to leave, marriage can serve as an opportunity for witnessing.
Now, moving on to pastoral requirements, certain Scriptures are sometimes drawn into the divorce discussion. Let’s look at 1 Timothy 3, which provides a fuller account than Titus 1. Similar instructions are found in Titus 1, but 1 Timothy 3 says this—
1 Timothy 3:1 This is a trustworthy saying: “If someone aspires to be a church leader,[overseer – Titus = elder] he desires an honorable position.” 2 So a church leader must be a man whose life is above reproach. He must be faithful to his wife. [one woman man] He must exercise self-control, live wisely, and have a good reputation. He must enjoy having guests in his home [hospitable], and he must be able to teach. 3 He must not be a heavy drinker or be violent. He must be gentle, not quarrelsome, and not love money. 4 He must manage his own family well, having children who respect and obey him. 5 For if a man cannot manage his own household, how can he take care of God’s church?
So here we see that the family is a reflection of the church. If a pastor or elder can’t manage his own household, how can he manage the church? In discussions around divorce, some interpret the phrase “husband of one wife” to mean that church leaders must never have divorced. But, in Greek, the phrase doesn’t use terms like "bound" or "loosed" that would indicate divorce. Instead, it reads μιᾶς γυναικὸς ἄνδρα (mias gynaikos andra, meaning “a one-woman man” or “a husband of one wife”). The emphasis seems to be on faithfulness—someone who isn’t a philanderer or caught up in polygamy.
This brings us to the question: how many should one marry? Interestingly, ancient documents give us glimpses of Christians who may have had more than one wife. These documents give a rare glimpse into the personal lives of early Christians and has been a point of discussion regarding the persistence of polygamy practices within some early Christian communities, especially those still influenced by cultural norms from the Old Testament or Greco-Roman society.
Polygamy was, after all, common in the Old Testament. Many prominent figures—such as David and Solomon—had multiple wives. Solomon, famously, had 700 wives and 300 concubines (1 Kings 11:3). It’s not surprising, then, that Paul would address this issue, as his audience would have been familiar with these Old Testament examples. And without a fully established New Testament at that time, the Old Testament was the primary scriptural reference, so Paul’s guidance on marriage would have been essential.
Interestingly, the 1560 Geneva Bible includes a commentary on this very topic, noting that polygamy was common in earlier times. Only more recently has “the husband of one wife” been interpreted strictly in terms of divorce.
One notable absence in the Bible is a detailed marriage ceremony. Many think of the wedding at Cana in John 2, where Jesus performed His first miracle by turning water into wine, but that scene describes only the celebration, not a ceremony or instructions for marriage. Marriage appears in Jesus’ parables, but without any prescribed ceremony.
In Scripture, marriage is consistently described as a union between a man and a woman, joined together by God (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:4–6). However, these accounts lack detailed instructions for a formal ceremony, focusing instead on the relational and covenantal aspects. For instance, the story of Isaac and Rebekah in Genesis 24 showcases a marriage initiated through familial negotiation and community recognition rather than a liturgical or civil ritual.
To find details on a marriage ceremony, we actually look to the book of Tobit. In Tobit 7:13–14, we see a more formal process: Sarah’s father, Raguel, gives his daughter to Tobias, and they record the marriage contract, signifying an official covenant. This account is one of the only descriptions of a marriage covenant in ancient Jewish literature. While Tobit is not included in all Christian Bibles today, it was widely accepted as part of Scripture in the early Church and in all Christian copies of the Bible and remained so until the 1800s.
Moreover, in early Christian texts like the Didache, a guide on Christian practices, there are liturgies for baptism and communion but no mention of a marriage ceremony. This absence highlights that formalized marriage rites, as we see today, were not established in the early church.
Throughout church history, Christian traditions and denominations have held diverse views on the institution and formalization of marriage. It was not until the Council of Trent in 1563 that the Catholic Church mandated that marriages be officiated by a priest and witnessed publicly, a requirement aimed at addressing issues of clandestine unions and disputes over marital validity. Before this decree, marriages within the Catholic tradition often took place as private, familial agreements without obligatory church oversight. The Anglican Church, while typically involving clergy in marriage ceremonies, did not make priestly officiation a legal requirement until the Marriage Act of 1753 in England, which standardized marriage practices to mitigate unrecorded “common-law” unions and inheritance conflicts. Known as the “Hardwicke Act,” this law marked the first time that Anglican marriages in England and Wales were required to be conducted within the Church of England, with exceptions only for Quakers and Jews.
Protestant reformers also contributed unique perspectives on marriage, further distinguishing civil and religious roles in marital practices. Martin Luther, for example, viewed marriage as a civil institution rather than a sacrament, transferring responsibility for marriage oversight to the state. This shift reflected a broader Protestant critique of Catholic sacramentalism, advocating for state regulation over ecclesiastical control. John Calvin, on the other hand, endorsed a dual approach wherein marriage was both a civil matter and a religious covenant. In Calvinist Geneva, marriages were legally recorded by the state while often being blessed by the church, blending civil and religious oversight—a model that significantly influenced European practices by emphasizing both civic recognition and spiritual endorsement.
The evolution of Christian marriage customs reveals a variety of approaches, with early marriage practices reflecting what might be termed a “social marriage” model: unions that were recognized by the community without formal ceremonies. While this approach has parallels to certain biblical accounts where marriages occurred primarily as family and community agreements, the Bible itself does not prescribe a specific marriage ceremony, leaving room for diverse interpretations that shaped the range of marital practices seen throughout church history. For perspective, it is important to realize that for the majority of Christian history, there weren’t formal ceremonies in the Church as we see them today – perhaps this is yet another area where we may have emphasized ritual over relationship.
When my wife and I first arrived at church, we were legally married by an officiant who was not a Christian. When the church asked if we were married, we responded yes, and no one inquired further about the nature of our marriage. The church accepted us as a married couple, knowing we were not yet Christians. This is a common practice among many modern churches—accepting the legality of a marriage without questioning its spiritual foundation. However, what if a couple came to the church claiming they were socially married? Perhaps they had consummated their relationship and were recognized as married under common-law standards. In many cases, the church might reject this union, despite the fact that it more closely mirrors the biblical example of marriage, which often did not involve officiation by a secular authority—let alone by someone who could be an atheist or even antagonistic to the faith, like a "satanic" justice of the peace.
Biblically, marriage is fundamentally a covenant before God, not merely a legal arrangement. In Genesis, we see that marriage was initiated by God Himself, as He declared, “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one” (Genesis 2:24). There is no mention of a civil ceremony or an officiant—only the joining of man and woman in a covenantal bond under God’s eyes. Similarly, in the New Testament, Jesus affirms this by stating, “Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together” (Matthew 19:6). The focus is on the divine act of uniting two people, not on legal documentation.
Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians highlight another inconsistency in how churches handle such matters. In 1 Corinthians 6:1-6, Paul chastises believers for taking their disputes to secular courts instead of resolving them within the church. He writes, “When one of you has a dispute with another believer, how dare you file a lawsuit and ask a secular court to decide the matter instead of taking it to other believers!” (1 Corinthians 6:1). Paul’s point is clear: issues among believers, especially those involving spiritual matters, should be judged by the church, not secular authorities. Yet, many churches today implicitly endorse secular authority by recognizing marriages officiated by unbelievers while questioning unions that align more closely with biblical principles.
Legally, common-law marriage is recognized in many jurisdictions, affirming that a marriage can exist without a formal ceremony or officiant, provided there is mutual consent and public acknowledgment of the relationship. In fact, some early American colonies relied heavily on common-law practices, as formal ceremonies were not always practical or possible. This history echoes the biblical precedent, where marriage was often consummated and recognized within the community without external validation.
The modern church’s reliance on legal standards for marriage, while practical, can sometimes obscure the biblical foundation of the marital covenant. If we are to honor God’s design, perhaps we need to reconsider how we approach and recognize marriages. Should the church not evaluate unions based on their alignment with God’s Word rather than solely on secular legality? And, if Paul urges believers to settle disputes within the church rather than in secular courts, why are we so quick to defer to those same courts to validate what God has already ordained?
This question challenges us to reflect deeply on how we uphold the sanctity of marriage within the church and how we might better align our practices with Scripture.
While we don’t see ritual instructions for marriage, we do see instructions for marital relationships. Turning to 1 Peter, where Peter discusses how husbands should treat their wives, we find teachings that extend beyond merely ceremonial aspects. In 1 Peter 3:1, Peter writes within a context of suffering, advising believers on maintaining respectful and godly relationships. Here, he addresses how wives and husbands can honor each other, indicating that proper relationships are essential to maintaining a faithful witness, especially in times of trial.
1 Peter 3:1 In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over 2 by observing your pure and reverent lives. 3 Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. 4 You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. 5 This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They put their trust in God and accepted the authority of their husbands. 6 For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do. 7 In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.
We’ve looked at this language before in past discussions, but now let’s consider it in the context of marriage. Here, we see a balance—both people have a role. Marriage involves being sacrificial, honoring one another in everything, and being equal partners.
This is crucial, especially for husbands, because, as Peter warns, “your prayers may be hindered” if you fail to honor your wives.
Now, a common question that comes up is about sex within marriage. Paul addresses this directly in 1 Corinthians 7. In 1 Corinthians 7:3—
1 Corinthians 7:3 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. 4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command.
It’s interesting to note that Paul presents this as a concession. He recognizes that refraining from intimacy in marriage can open a door for the devil to tempt us, which is something married couples need to consider seriously. Nurturing and caring for each other’s needs within marriage helps protect against temptation.
However, fulfilling these needs is never an excuse for abuse. Paul’s advice highlights the importance of a mutual commitment to honor each other’s needs rather than giving room for lust to creep in. Within the framework of marriage, the Bible places no restrictions on what a couple can do, so long as it remains within the guardrails of a committed, God-honoring relationship.
But as we consider the Ten Commandments, we’re reminded of the boundaries: we must not idolize anyone or anything, nor should we “commit adultery.” These guardrails help us keep our focus and commitment to each other within marriage.
Now, on the topic of adultery—what exactly does cheating mean? In Matthew 5, during the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus offers another “But I say to you…” statement. In Matthew 5:27—
Matthew 5:27 “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 So if your eye—even your good eye—causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your hand—even your stronger hand—causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.
Jesus may be using some hyperbole here, but that doesn’t detract from His main point: we should not be lusting after others. Jesus raises the standard by shifting the focus from the outward act to the heart.
This connects to the idea of ritual versus relationship. What we do in our hearts is the essence of true faithfulness, not just external actions. We’ve seen this principle before when discussing the “traditions of men,” and it applies equally to our actions today, especially with the internet. By Jesus' standard, viewing pornography would be considered a form of cheating. His teaching challenges us to think about purity, even in our private actions.
And a note to men: there’s often talk about seeking a Proverbs 31 woman—someone who works diligently, manages the household, and even engages in business. But let me challenge you with this: you don’t deserve a Proverbs 31 woman if you’re not striving to be a Proverbs 1 through 30 man yourself.
Now, let’s look at how the Bible defines a Christian marriage. In Ephesians 5, Paul, similar to Peter, speaks on Christian relationships, saying this—
Ephesians 5:21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for [fear of] Christ. 22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. 25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. 30 And we are members of his body. 31 As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” 32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. 33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
So we see that husbands are called to love their wives “in the same way”—emphasizing balance in marriage. Contrary to how these passages are sometimes taught, they aren’t meant to suppress women. Instead, they place a profound responsibility on husbands to foster balance and sacrificial living within the marriage. Marriage is about serving each other as one team, one flesh—working together as a united whole.
Our primary focus should be to serve each other and work as a team. In my own experience, marriage involves different seasons where one partner may need to support the other more, filling in gaps to keep that teamwork strong. Over the years, my wife and I have had seasons where one of us took on specific responsibilities so the other could concentrate on career or studies. Yielding to each other is part of maintaining that balance, as long as it’s done with mutual respect and not abused.
There have been times, for instance, when my wife was earning her degree, and I took on the role of “Mr. Mom.” These shifts aren’t about control; rather, they’re about supporting each other and finding balance. Selfish ambition can disrupt this balance, as Galatians 5 warns us. When ambition becomes self-centered, it can create an imbalance in the relationship, turning something positive into a sin.
Marriage is also about serving each other “in sickness and in health.” Sometimes, one partner has to carry more of the weight, but that’s part of the promise we make. A good marriage is about sacrifice, about living to please the other person more than ourselves. This is a reflection of Christ Himself. In Philippians 2, Paul speaks of Christ’s humility and sacrifice, saying, “Don’t just look out for your own interests, but also the interests of others.” This principle applies to marriage: it’s about prioritizing your spouse’s needs, not just your own.
Returning to 1 Corinthians, where Paul speaks of spiritual gifts in chapter 12, he reminds us that while gifts like tongues, prophecy, and healing are valuable, they’re meaningless without love. He closes the chapter with, “Let me show you a better way,” leading into the famous “love chapter,” 1 Corinthians 13, which we often read at weddings. 1 Corinthians 13:4 says this—
1 Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
It’s interesting that the “love chapter” in 1 Corinthians 13 follows immediately after the discussion of spiritual gifts. Many programs, like the “Five-Fold Ministry,” attempt to focus on these gifts (Ephesians 4) but often fall short because they don’t consider the full context of God’s Word. It’s really quite simple: better than all these gifts and programs is simply to love one another – that’s how Paul closes Chapter 12 after stressing unity in the Body of Christ, surrounding problems with pride over one gift or another.
1 Corinthians 12: 31 So you should earnestly desire the most helpful gifts. But now let me show you a way of life that is best of all.
You don’t need a program to show you how to love.
Now, if you know me, you might wonder why I sometimes recommend “The Five Love Languages.” It can be helpful as “training wheels,” especially for those just starting out in marriage, to help identify what their partner values. But as you grow, you really shouldn’t need a system to tell you how to love your spouse. By the time you’re married, you should know what they appreciate, what they need, and how best to serve them.
The point of learning “love languages” is to help nurture a service-oriented relationship. If your spouse likes or needs something, simply do it. If they dislike something, avoid it. It’s that straightforward. Ultimately, though, the Bible itself is the basis for all we need. God’s Word is enough. Programs often distract from or diminish the focus on Scripture. It can even be a bit arrogant when people think, “The Bible is great, but I have a better idea.” Programs can also shift our trust from the Holy Spirit’s guidance to a method created by human wisdom. So, I submit to you: God is enough.
Some might ask, “How do these marriage principles apply to those who aren’t married?” The principles of love apply universally. Of course, the intimacy reserved for marriage is unique, but the call to love others and serve sacrificially remains. As Romans 12 reminds us, true worship is living sacrificially toward everyone around us. Marriage principles—apart from those exclusive to marital intimacy—can be applied in our daily relationships with family, friends, and neighbors.
In Ephesians, Paul describes marriage as a picture of Christ and the church. Just as Christ sacrificed Himself for us, we are encouraged to love our spouse sacrificially. It takes work, but love makes that work a joy.
Paul’s teaching in 1 Corinthians 13 emphasizes this. All gifts are valuable, but he says love is the answer. This love flows from the Holy Spirit. As Galatians 5 lists the fruits of the Spirit, we see that love is first among them: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” When we walk by the Spirit, love naturally leads the way.
The Holy Spirit is the key to a successful marriage – not a man made program.
As 1 Corinthians 13 tells us, “Love is patient.” Are we being patient with our significant other, taking the time to listen and respond gently? Patience doesn’t rush or demand immediate results—it offers grace and understanding, even when things aren’t perfect.
“Love is not jealous or boastful or proud.” Are we allowing jealousy to creep in without reason, or are we boasting, putting ourselves above our partner? True love lets go of petty arguments and is willing to make peace because it values the relationship over being right.
“Love is not rude.” How are we speaking to our spouse? Are our words seasoned with respect? Love honors the other person in how we speak and act, treating them with the dignity they deserve as our partner.
“Love does not demand its own way.” Are we letting selfish ambition affect our marriage? Are we willing to yield, or do we insist on our way or no way? Real love prioritizes the needs and preferences of the other, seeking harmony over control.
“Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.” Are we quick to forgive, as we ourselves have been forgiven? Love doesn’t hold grudges or bring up past wrongs to win today’s arguments. It seeks freedom from resentment.
“Love does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.” Do we celebrate truth and righteousness in our marriage, supporting each other in doing what is right? Love always roots for the truth and lifts up justice.
Finally, “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” Are we committed to our marriage even in challenging times? Love is steady, holding on to hope, and refusing to give up, enduring all circumstances with faith.
Love is the foundation, not just for marriage but for every relationship. It’s the reflection of God’s love for us—sacrificial, patient, and kind. As we strive to embody this love, let’s remember that it’s not something we achieve on our own. It is the Holy Spirit who fills us with God’s love, who transforms our hearts to be more like Christ. When we lean on God, we find the strength to love our spouse, our family, and everyone around us as He first loved us.
May our lives reflect this love in all we do, bringing glory to God and blessing those He has placed in our lives. And as 1 Corinthians 13 reminds us, faith, hope, and love remain, but the greatest of these is love.
©️ Copyright 2024 Gene SimcoMost Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.Scriptures in brackets reflect the original Biblical languages.
I once heard a story about Adam and Eve. Now, this may not be a biblically accurate story, but it’s an entertaining one nonetheless.
As the story goes, Adam had a habit of staying out late at night, which often irritated Eve. Eventually, she began to question him, asking, “Are you seeing someone else?” Each time, Adam would reassure her, saying, “No, Eve, you’re the only woman here.” Yet, night after night, she’d ask, “Are you sure you’re not seeing another woman?” And he’d reply, “Woman, you’re it!”
One night, as they slept, Adam suddenly woke up to the sensation of something poking his chest. At first, he thought a bird might have landed on him. But when he opened his eyes, he saw Eve lying beside him, poking at his chest.
“What are you doing?” Adam asked.
Eve replied, “I’m counting your ribs.”
In this chapter, we’re going to talk about marriage. And what better place to start than with Adam and Eve—the first man and woman in creation. Whether you believe their story is allegorical or literal, it still provides us with a clear picture of God’s design for a man and a woman.
As we turn to the first chapter of Genesis, we see the sixth day of creation: animals are brought into being, and then we come to Genesis 1:26—
Genesis 1:26 Then God said, “Let us make human beings[b] in our image, to be like us. They will reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, the livestock, all the wild animals on the earth, and the small animals that scurry along the ground.” 27 So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
So this is the pattern we see throughout the entire Bible: marriage is between a man and a woman.
Now we come to the "who" of this question: who do we marry? Men and women? Whether we see this story as literal or allegorical, it still represents the image of God. When we depart from that image, we’re denying God’s design. And throughout the Bible, we find no other example of marriage than between a man and a woman, or the togetherness of a man and a woman.
Now, we already discussed the topic of homosexuality in the chapter on "What is Sin?", so here I’ll just provide a brief overview, but I encourage you to go back to that chapter for more depth.
In addressing homosexuality, we find clear examples in 1 Corinthians 6 and 1 Timothy. One significant point in these passages is the warning about “inheriting the Kingdom of God.” This is a strong and, frankly, frightening warning for those who may be involved in this sin. It’s worth noting, however, that there is debate around the Greek word for homosexual acts here. The word often discussed is ἀρσενοκοίτης (arsenokoítēs, pronounced ar-se-no-KOI-tace), used in 1 Corinthians 6:9 and 1 Timothy 1:10. This term combines ἄρσην (arsēn, “male”) and κοίτη (koitē, “bed” or “sexual intercourse”), conveying “a man who beds with a male.” Yet the main point is that Scripture says those engaged in such actions “will not inherit the Kingdom of God.”
Paul also addresses this topic in Romans 1, where he describes the sins of the Gentiles. Paul explains that even though they were not Jewish, they knew of God’s existence through nature. Then, he talks about their choices, saying that both men and women “exchanged natural relations for those that are against nature.” Here, the Greek words are φύσις (phýsis, pronounced FOO-sees), meaning “nature,” and παρά φύσιν (pará phýsin, pronounced pa-RA FOO-seen), meaning “against nature.” Paul describes how they traded natural relations for unnatural ones, specifically referring to homosexual acts. What’s striking is that Paul wrote this almost 2,000 years ago, describing behaviors from long before his time, yet his words could easily apply to today. This shows us the timelessness of God’s Word. And yet, some still argue that the Bible is ancient and outdated, irrelevant to modern life.
But we can see that Scripture is timeless because it even addresses the future. In Revelation 21:8, we see a warning to the “sexually immoral,” which translates from the Greek word πόρνος (pórnos, pronounced POR-nos). This term refers to all kinds of sexual sin, and from it, we get the modern word “pornography.” The Bible consistently upholds marriage and sexuality as designed by God for one man and one woman. So, all sexual sins—whether homosexuality, adultery, or others—are considered sins. In Revelation, it says that those who persist in these sins “will not inherit the Kingdom of God,” nor be part of the new heavens and new earth. This isn’t confined to one culture or era but is addressed for all time in God’s Word. Hebrews 13:8 reminds us, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” His nature doesn’t change, and if we are made in His image, then that truth is also unchanging.
This isn’t just a cultural issue; it’s a reflection of God’s nature. God’s nature does not change, even when society does. Cultures may shift, but nature doesn’t. This is how God created us and what He created us for. Although society may evolve, God’s image and design remain constant.
Throughout Scripture, Jesus is consistently referred to as “He,” and there are clear examples of “he’s” and “she’s.” We aren’t denying the diversity of God’s creation; we’re honoring the design He has given humanity.
Let’s revisit the covenants to see how these principles carry through. While some covenantal rules adapt over time, God’s design remains unchanging. As we continue, let’s look closely at Genesis 1:28.
Genesis 1:28 Then God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground.”
“Be fruitful and multiply.” This phrase is often associated with the prosperity gospel, which sometimes emphasizes it as a call for material or personal expansion. However, now we’re under a new covenant.
In those early days, this command was vital because the earth needed to be populated—there was no one else on it. That mandate was essential then, but we’re no longer in that same timeline. Interestingly, we can note that Jesus himself wasn’t married, meaning he didn’t fulfill that command to multiply. And yet, He was sinless, showing us that righteousness is not tied to marriage or having children.
Now, let’s take a look at Matthew 19, where Jesus addresses marriage and divorce. I want to provide the context for this, then discuss the broader purpose of marriage. So, let’s begin with the situation Jesus is addressing in Matthew 19:1—
Matthew 19:1 When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went down to the region of Judea east of the Jordan River. 2 Large crowds followed him there, and he healed their sick. 3 Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce [ἀπολῦσαι] his wife for just any reason?” 4 “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” 5 And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ 6 Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”
“God made them male and female.” And He said, “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” Here, we see the foundation of marriage as God intended it. Jesus points out that marriage is between a man and a woman—period. And, as Hebrews 13:8 reminds us, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” This truth remains consistent, even as we look toward the future in Revelation.
This has been God’s design from the very beginning. Now, if we continue, we come to Matthew 19:7, where the Pharisees question Jesus. They ask, “Then why did Moses say…?”
Matthew 19:7 “Then why did Moses say in the law that a man could give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away?” they asked. 8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended. 9 And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries [γαμήσας] someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful.”
The term used for "marries" in Matthew 19:9, γαμήσας (gamēsas), carries significant implications in the context of biblical marriage. Derived from the Greek verb γαμέω (gameō), meaning "to marry," it often implies entering into the full union of marriage, including its physical and covenantal aspects. In the cultural and linguistic context of the time, marriage was understood not merely as a ceremonial act but as a union that was consummated physically, thereby sealing the covenant between husband and wife.
Interestingly, the term γαμέω has also evolved in modern Greek to carry a colloquial connotation referring specifically to the physical act of marriage, albeit in a more vulgar sense. While this modern usage diverges from the biblical context, it underscores the historical connection between marriage and consummation in ancient Greek thought. You are probably familiar with the word monogamy, which derives from the Greek μονός, monos (one), and γάμος, gamos (marriage), but connotates sexual intercourse.
This connection further highlights the theological understanding of marriage as a union designed by God for complementary physical and spiritual unity. As Jesus refers to the union of "one flesh" in Matthew 19:5, He reaffirms that this covenant involves not only emotional and relational aspects but also physical oneness as part of God’s design. This theological foundation contrasts with modern reinterpretations of marriage that deviate from its original intent, including same-sex unions, which do not align with this physical and complementary design.
Here, we also see an example of something permitted under the law—divorce—that Jesus clarifies as not part of God’s ultimate design. This takes us back to the concept of covenants. Remember, in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus often says, “But I say to you…” He contrasts the old laws with His teachings, saying things like, “You have heard that the law says…” and then, “But I say to you…” He continually redefines these teachings, showing us a deeper understanding of God’s intent. This brings us to an interesting statement in Matthew 19:10—
Matthew 19:10 Jesus’ disciples then said to him, “If this is the case, it is better not to marry!”11 “Not everyone can accept this statement,” Jesus said. “Only those whom God helps. 12 Some are born as eunuchs, some have been made eunuchs by others, and some choose not to marry for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.”
Remember what I mentioned about the covenants? Here, Jesus says it might actually be better not to marry. This is an interesting point because Jesus—and we’ll see this more later—wants us to be fully devoted to Him, to the kingdom of heaven. Notice that He says, “For the sake of the kingdom of heaven.”
Now, some may get caught up on the passage about eunuchs, where it says that some are “made that way.” This is often misunderstood, with some interpreting it as a comment on homosexuality or transgenderism. But look closely: this isn’t about homosexuality. It’s simply referring to people who, by nature, may not marry or procreate. In the context of “Be fruitful and multiply,” God creates some who simply cannot procreate, and that’s the point here. It’s not about sexuality but about different capacities God has given to individuals.
Looking at Scripture, it’s clear that marriage itself isn’t wrong. We know Peter was married, as seen in Mark 1 and 1 Corinthians 9, where his mother-in-law and wife are mentioned. So, marriage was not an example to avoid, nor is it a sin to marry. On the other hand, Paul, like Jesus was not married, and we see that Paul himself addresses marriage, divorce, and remarriage in 1 Corinthians 7.
In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul is addressing several issues, including sexual sin. Starting from 1 Corinthians 5, we see a situation involving sinful behavior, and then in chapter 6, after a brief discussion on lawsuits, he returns to sexual sin, mentioning homosexuality as well. By chapter 7, Paul shifts to discussing marriage, divorce, and remarriage. So let’s highlight a few key points on the topic of marriage and divorce from 1 Corinthians 7.
1 Corinthians 7:1 Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations. 2 But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.
1 Corinthians 7:7 But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another. 8 So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. 9 But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust.
1 Corinthians 7:28 But if you do get married, it is not a sin. And if a young woman gets married, it is not a sin. However, those who get married at this time will have troubles, and I am trying to spare you those problems. 29 But let me say this, dear brothers and sisters: The time that remains is very short. So from now on, those with wives should not focus only on their marriage. 30 Those who weep or who rejoice or who buy things should not be absorbed by their weeping or their joy or their possessions. 31 Those who use the things of the world should not become attached to them. For this world as we know it will soon pass away. 32 I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. 33 But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. 34 His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.
“I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord with as few distractions as possible.” Under the new covenant in Christ, not being married is seen as ideal, as it allows us to be fully devoted to the Lord.
Scripture also says that if we do marry, we’ll face certain troubles—which is, honestly, a bit humorous! But the principle here is to “stay as you are.” So, if you’re single, stay single, and if you’re married, stay married. Now, again, there’s nothing wrong with being married, as we’ll see when we examine this further.
We’ll look briefly at 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1. Some interpret these passages to suggest that marriage is actually a requirement for pastoral leadership because they discuss the need for leaders to manage their households well.
We’ll return to this topic shortly, but let’s first address the ideal around divorce. The guiding principle is to “stay as you are.” Ideally, one should avoid divorce. Now, on the topic of divorce and remarriage, let’s go back to Matthew 19.
Matthew 19:3 Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife for just any reason?” 4 “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” 5 And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ 6 Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” 7 “Then why did Moses say in the law that a man could give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away?” they asked. 8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended. 9 And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful.”
Again, we see the shift from the old covenant practices. When discussing covenants, we looked at Matthew 5, where Jesus frequently reinterprets the law. In Deuteronomy 24, it was stated that a man could issue a certificate of divorce to his wife. But in Matthew 5, Jesus establishes a new standard, saying, “You have heard that the law says a man can divorce his wife by merely giving her a written notice of divorce. But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery.” Here, Jesus clarifies that it is adultery or sexual sin that breaks the covenant.
Divorce isn’t ideal, and we shouldn’t be seeking it.
If we return to 1 Corinthians, we can explore this idea of divorce further. Paul addresses situations involving new believers who were previously pagan. In some cases, one partner becomes a Christian while the other remains an unbeliever. This can lead to the unbeliever leaving the relationship or even divorcing the believer. Paul addresses these scenarios in 1 Corinthians 7. Let’s continue with 1 Corinthians 7:10—
1 Corinthians 7:10 But for those who are married, I have a command that comes not from me, but from the Lord. A wife must not leave her husband. 11 But if she does leave him, let her remain single or else be reconciled to him. And the husband must not leave his wife. 12 Now, I will speak to the rest of you, though I do not have a direct command from the Lord. If a fellow believer has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. 13 And if a believing woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. 14 For the believing wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the believing husband. brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy. 15 (But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the believing husband or wife is no longer bound [δεδούλωται] to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.) 16 Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you?
Staying married is the ideal. Ideally, we should remain as we were when we came to Christ. But questions come up: what if the unbelieving spouse decides to leave? Significantly, Scripture says that in such cases, “they are not bound.” The Greek concept behind this term δεδούλωται is rooted in the word δουλόω (douloo, pronounced doo-LO-o), which means “to enslave” or “to be bound.” So, “not bound” here implies that remarriage is permissible if the unbelieving spouse leaves.
Now, another question arises about staying with an unbeliever, which may seem to contradict 2 Corinthians 6, where it says, “Do not be yoked with unbelievers.” The context here is essential. In this situation, the couple was already married before one of them came to faith. 2 Corinthians 6 refers to choosing marriage with an unbeliever, whereas here, Paul speaks to believers already in that marriage. He says, “Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you?”
This teaching closely mirrors 1 Peter 3:1, where Peter writes, “In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives.” In both passages, the idea is that through our actions and faithful witness, we may lead our spouses to Christ. While it’s unfortunate if they choose to leave, marriage can serve as an opportunity for witnessing.
Now, moving on to pastoral requirements, certain Scriptures are sometimes drawn into the divorce discussion. Let’s look at 1 Timothy 3, which provides a fuller account than Titus 1. Similar instructions are found in Titus 1, but 1 Timothy 3 says this—
1 Timothy 3:1 This is a trustworthy saying: “If someone aspires to be a church leader,[overseer – Titus = elder] he desires an honorable position.” 2 So a church leader must be a man whose life is above reproach. He must be faithful to his wife. [one woman man] He must exercise self-control, live wisely, and have a good reputation. He must enjoy having guests in his home [hospitable], and he must be able to teach. 3 He must not be a heavy drinker or be violent. He must be gentle, not quarrelsome, and not love money. 4 He must manage his own family well, having children who respect and obey him. 5 For if a man cannot manage his own household, how can he take care of God’s church?
So here we see that the family is a reflection of the church. If a pastor or elder can’t manage his own household, how can he manage the church? In discussions around divorce, some interpret the phrase “husband of one wife” to mean that church leaders must never have divorced. But, in Greek, the phrase doesn’t use terms like "bound" or "loosed" that would indicate divorce. Instead, it reads μιᾶς γυναικὸς ἄνδρα (mias gynaikos andra, meaning “a one-woman man” or “a husband of one wife”). The emphasis seems to be on faithfulness—someone who isn’t a philanderer or caught up in polygamy.
This brings us to the question: how many should one marry? Interestingly, ancient documents give us glimpses of Christians who may have had more than one wife. These documents give a rare glimpse into the personal lives of early Christians and has been a point of discussion regarding the persistence of polygamy practices within some early Christian communities, especially those still influenced by cultural norms from the Old Testament or Greco-Roman society.
Polygamy was, after all, common in the Old Testament. Many prominent figures—such as David and Solomon—had multiple wives. Solomon, famously, had 700 wives and 300 concubines (1 Kings 11:3). It’s not surprising, then, that Paul would address this issue, as his audience would have been familiar with these Old Testament examples. And without a fully established New Testament at that time, the Old Testament was the primary scriptural reference, so Paul’s guidance on marriage would have been essential.
Interestingly, the 1560 Geneva Bible includes a commentary on this very topic, noting that polygamy was common in earlier times. Only more recently has “the husband of one wife” been interpreted strictly in terms of divorce.
One notable absence in the Bible is a detailed marriage ceremony. Many think of the wedding at Cana in John 2, where Jesus performed His first miracle by turning water into wine, but that scene describes only the celebration, not a ceremony or instructions for marriage. Marriage appears in Jesus’ parables, but without any prescribed ceremony.
In Scripture, marriage is consistently described as a union between a man and a woman, joined together by God (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:4–6). However, these accounts lack detailed instructions for a formal ceremony, focusing instead on the relational and covenantal aspects. For instance, the story of Isaac and Rebekah in Genesis 24 showcases a marriage initiated through familial negotiation and community recognition rather than a liturgical or civil ritual.
To find details on a marriage ceremony, we actually look to the book of Tobit. In Tobit 7:13–14, we see a more formal process: Sarah’s father, Raguel, gives his daughter to Tobias, and they record the marriage contract, signifying an official covenant. This account is one of the only descriptions of a marriage covenant in ancient Jewish literature. While Tobit is not included in all Christian Bibles today, it was widely accepted as part of Scripture in the early Church and in all Christian copies of the Bible and remained so until the 1800s.
Moreover, in early Christian texts like the Didache, a guide on Christian practices, there are liturgies for baptism and communion but no mention of a marriage ceremony. This absence highlights that formalized marriage rites, as we see today, were not established in the early church.
Throughout church history, Christian traditions and denominations have held diverse views on the institution and formalization of marriage. It was not until the Council of Trent in 1563 that the Catholic Church mandated that marriages be officiated by a priest and witnessed publicly, a requirement aimed at addressing issues of clandestine unions and disputes over marital validity. Before this decree, marriages within the Catholic tradition often took place as private, familial agreements without obligatory church oversight. The Anglican Church, while typically involving clergy in marriage ceremonies, did not make priestly officiation a legal requirement until the Marriage Act of 1753 in England, which standardized marriage practices to mitigate unrecorded “common-law” unions and inheritance conflicts. Known as the “Hardwicke Act,” this law marked the first time that Anglican marriages in England and Wales were required to be conducted within the Church of England, with exceptions only for Quakers and Jews.
Protestant reformers also contributed unique perspectives on marriage, further distinguishing civil and religious roles in marital practices. Martin Luther, for example, viewed marriage as a civil institution rather than a sacrament, transferring responsibility for marriage oversight to the state. This shift reflected a broader Protestant critique of Catholic sacramentalism, advocating for state regulation over ecclesiastical control. John Calvin, on the other hand, endorsed a dual approach wherein marriage was both a civil matter and a religious covenant. In Calvinist Geneva, marriages were legally recorded by the state while often being blessed by the church, blending civil and religious oversight—a model that significantly influenced European practices by emphasizing both civic recognition and spiritual endorsement.
The evolution of Christian marriage customs reveals a variety of approaches, with early marriage practices reflecting what might be termed a “social marriage” model: unions that were recognized by the community without formal ceremonies. While this approach has parallels to certain biblical accounts where marriages occurred primarily as family and community agreements, the Bible itself does not prescribe a specific marriage ceremony, leaving room for diverse interpretations that shaped the range of marital practices seen throughout church history. For perspective, it is important to realize that for the majority of Christian history, there weren’t formal ceremonies in the Church as we see them today – perhaps this is yet another area where we may have emphasized ritual over relationship.
When my wife and I first arrived at church, we were legally married by an officiant who was not a Christian. When the church asked if we were married, we responded yes, and no one inquired further about the nature of our marriage. The church accepted us as a married couple, knowing we were not yet Christians. This is a common practice among many modern churches—accepting the legality of a marriage without questioning its spiritual foundation. However, what if a couple came to the church claiming they were socially married? Perhaps they had consummated their relationship and were recognized as married under common-law standards. In many cases, the church might reject this union, despite the fact that it more closely mirrors the biblical example of marriage, which often did not involve officiation by a secular authority—let alone by someone who could be an atheist or even antagonistic to the faith, like a "satanic" justice of the peace.
Biblically, marriage is fundamentally a covenant before God, not merely a legal arrangement. In Genesis, we see that marriage was initiated by God Himself, as He declared, “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one” (Genesis 2:24). There is no mention of a civil ceremony or an officiant—only the joining of man and woman in a covenantal bond under God’s eyes. Similarly, in the New Testament, Jesus affirms this by stating, “Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together” (Matthew 19:6). The focus is on the divine act of uniting two people, not on legal documentation.
Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians highlight another inconsistency in how churches handle such matters. In 1 Corinthians 6:1-6, Paul chastises believers for taking their disputes to secular courts instead of resolving them within the church. He writes, “When one of you has a dispute with another believer, how dare you file a lawsuit and ask a secular court to decide the matter instead of taking it to other believers!” (1 Corinthians 6:1). Paul’s point is clear: issues among believers, especially those involving spiritual matters, should be judged by the church, not secular authorities. Yet, many churches today implicitly endorse secular authority by recognizing marriages officiated by unbelievers while questioning unions that align more closely with biblical principles.
Legally, common-law marriage is recognized in many jurisdictions, affirming that a marriage can exist without a formal ceremony or officiant, provided there is mutual consent and public acknowledgment of the relationship. In fact, some early American colonies relied heavily on common-law practices, as formal ceremonies were not always practical or possible. This history echoes the biblical precedent, where marriage was often consummated and recognized within the community without external validation.
The modern church’s reliance on legal standards for marriage, while practical, can sometimes obscure the biblical foundation of the marital covenant. If we are to honor God’s design, perhaps we need to reconsider how we approach and recognize marriages. Should the church not evaluate unions based on their alignment with God’s Word rather than solely on secular legality? And, if Paul urges believers to settle disputes within the church rather than in secular courts, why are we so quick to defer to those same courts to validate what God has already ordained?
This question challenges us to reflect deeply on how we uphold the sanctity of marriage within the church and how we might better align our practices with Scripture.
While we don’t see ritual instructions for marriage, we do see instructions for marital relationships. Turning to 1 Peter, where Peter discusses how husbands should treat their wives, we find teachings that extend beyond merely ceremonial aspects. In 1 Peter 3:1, Peter writes within a context of suffering, advising believers on maintaining respectful and godly relationships. Here, he addresses how wives and husbands can honor each other, indicating that proper relationships are essential to maintaining a faithful witness, especially in times of trial.
1 Peter 3:1 In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over 2 by observing your pure and reverent lives. 3 Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. 4 You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. 5 This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They put their trust in God and accepted the authority of their husbands. 6 For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do. 7 In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.
We’ve looked at this language before in past discussions, but now let’s consider it in the context of marriage. Here, we see a balance—both people have a role. Marriage involves being sacrificial, honoring one another in everything, and being equal partners.
This is crucial, especially for husbands, because, as Peter warns, “your prayers may be hindered” if you fail to honor your wives.
Now, a common question that comes up is about sex within marriage. Paul addresses this directly in 1 Corinthians 7. In 1 Corinthians 7:3—
1 Corinthians 7:3 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. 4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command.
It’s interesting to note that Paul presents this as a concession. He recognizes that refraining from intimacy in marriage can open a door for the devil to tempt us, which is something married couples need to consider seriously. Nurturing and caring for each other’s needs within marriage helps protect against temptation.
However, fulfilling these needs is never an excuse for abuse. Paul’s advice highlights the importance of a mutual commitment to honor each other’s needs rather than giving room for lust to creep in. Within the framework of marriage, the Bible places no restrictions on what a couple can do, so long as it remains within the guardrails of a committed, God-honoring relationship.
But as we consider the Ten Commandments, we’re reminded of the boundaries: we must not idolize anyone or anything, nor should we “commit adultery.” These guardrails help us keep our focus and commitment to each other within marriage.
Now, on the topic of adultery—what exactly does cheating mean? In Matthew 5, during the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus offers another “But I say to you…” statement. In Matthew 5:27—
Matthew 5:27 “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 So if your eye—even your good eye—causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your hand—even your stronger hand—causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.
Jesus may be using some hyperbole here, but that doesn’t detract from His main point: we should not be lusting after others. Jesus raises the standard by shifting the focus from the outward act to the heart.
This connects to the idea of ritual versus relationship. What we do in our hearts is the essence of true faithfulness, not just external actions. We’ve seen this principle before when discussing the “traditions of men,” and it applies equally to our actions today, especially with the internet. By Jesus' standard, viewing pornography would be considered a form of cheating. His teaching challenges us to think about purity, even in our private actions.
And a note to men: there’s often talk about seeking a Proverbs 31 woman—someone who works diligently, manages the household, and even engages in business. But let me challenge you with this: you don’t deserve a Proverbs 31 woman if you’re not striving to be a Proverbs 1 through 30 man yourself.
Now, let’s look at how the Bible defines a Christian marriage. In Ephesians 5, Paul, similar to Peter, speaks on Christian relationships, saying this—
Ephesians 5:21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for [fear of] Christ. 22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. 25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. 30 And we are members of his body. 31 As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” 32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. 33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
So we see that husbands are called to love their wives “in the same way”—emphasizing balance in marriage. Contrary to how these passages are sometimes taught, they aren’t meant to suppress women. Instead, they place a profound responsibility on husbands to foster balance and sacrificial living within the marriage. Marriage is about serving each other as one team, one flesh—working together as a united whole.
Our primary focus should be to serve each other and work as a team. In my own experience, marriage involves different seasons where one partner may need to support the other more, filling in gaps to keep that teamwork strong. Over the years, my wife and I have had seasons where one of us took on specific responsibilities so the other could concentrate on career or studies. Yielding to each other is part of maintaining that balance, as long as it’s done with mutual respect and not abused.
There have been times, for instance, when my wife was earning her degree, and I took on the role of “Mr. Mom.” These shifts aren’t about control; rather, they’re about supporting each other and finding balance. Selfish ambition can disrupt this balance, as Galatians 5 warns us. When ambition becomes self-centered, it can create an imbalance in the relationship, turning something positive into a sin.
Marriage is also about serving each other “in sickness and in health.” Sometimes, one partner has to carry more of the weight, but that’s part of the promise we make. A good marriage is about sacrifice, about living to please the other person more than ourselves. This is a reflection of Christ Himself. In Philippians 2, Paul speaks of Christ’s humility and sacrifice, saying, “Don’t just look out for your own interests, but also the interests of others.” This principle applies to marriage: it’s about prioritizing your spouse’s needs, not just your own.
Returning to 1 Corinthians, where Paul speaks of spiritual gifts in chapter 12, he reminds us that while gifts like tongues, prophecy, and healing are valuable, they’re meaningless without love. He closes the chapter with, “Let me show you a better way,” leading into the famous “love chapter,” 1 Corinthians 13, which we often read at weddings. 1 Corinthians 13:4 says this—
1 Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
It’s interesting that the “love chapter” in 1 Corinthians 13 follows immediately after the discussion of spiritual gifts. Many programs, like the “Five-Fold Ministry,” attempt to focus on these gifts (Ephesians 4) but often fall short because they don’t consider the full context of God’s Word. It’s really quite simple: better than all these gifts and programs is simply to love one another – that’s how Paul closes Chapter 12 after stressing unity in the Body of Christ, surrounding problems with pride over one gift or another.
1 Corinthians 12: 31 So you should earnestly desire the most helpful gifts. But now let me show you a way of life that is best of all.
You don’t need a program to show you how to love.
Now, if you know me, you might wonder why I sometimes recommend “The Five Love Languages.” It can be helpful as “training wheels,” especially for those just starting out in marriage, to help identify what their partner values. But as you grow, you really shouldn’t need a system to tell you how to love your spouse. By the time you’re married, you should know what they appreciate, what they need, and how best to serve them.
The point of learning “love languages” is to help nurture a service-oriented relationship. If your spouse likes or needs something, simply do it. If they dislike something, avoid it. It’s that straightforward. Ultimately, though, the Bible itself is the basis for all we need. God’s Word is enough. Programs often distract from or diminish the focus on Scripture. It can even be a bit arrogant when people think, “The Bible is great, but I have a better idea.” Programs can also shift our trust from the Holy Spirit’s guidance to a method created by human wisdom. So, I submit to you: God is enough.
Some might ask, “How do these marriage principles apply to those who aren’t married?” The principles of love apply universally. Of course, the intimacy reserved for marriage is unique, but the call to love others and serve sacrificially remains. As Romans 12 reminds us, true worship is living sacrificially toward everyone around us. Marriage principles—apart from those exclusive to marital intimacy—can be applied in our daily relationships with family, friends, and neighbors.
In Ephesians, Paul describes marriage as a picture of Christ and the church. Just as Christ sacrificed Himself for us, we are encouraged to love our spouse sacrificially. It takes work, but love makes that work a joy.
Paul’s teaching in 1 Corinthians 13 emphasizes this. All gifts are valuable, but he says love is the answer. This love flows from the Holy Spirit. As Galatians 5 lists the fruits of the Spirit, we see that love is first among them: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” When we walk by the Spirit, love naturally leads the way.
The Holy Spirit is the key to a successful marriage – not a man made program.
As 1 Corinthians 13 tells us, “Love is patient.” Are we being patient with our significant other, taking the time to listen and respond gently? Patience doesn’t rush or demand immediate results—it offers grace and understanding, even when things aren’t perfect.
“Love is not jealous or boastful or proud.” Are we allowing jealousy to creep in without reason, or are we boasting, putting ourselves above our partner? True love lets go of petty arguments and is willing to make peace because it values the relationship over being right.
“Love is not rude.” How are we speaking to our spouse? Are our words seasoned with respect? Love honors the other person in how we speak and act, treating them with the dignity they deserve as our partner.
“Love does not demand its own way.” Are we letting selfish ambition affect our marriage? Are we willing to yield, or do we insist on our way or no way? Real love prioritizes the needs and preferences of the other, seeking harmony over control.
“Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.” Are we quick to forgive, as we ourselves have been forgiven? Love doesn’t hold grudges or bring up past wrongs to win today’s arguments. It seeks freedom from resentment.
“Love does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.” Do we celebrate truth and righteousness in our marriage, supporting each other in doing what is right? Love always roots for the truth and lifts up justice.
Finally, “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” Are we committed to our marriage even in challenging times? Love is steady, holding on to hope, and refusing to give up, enduring all circumstances with faith.
Love is the foundation, not just for marriage but for every relationship. It’s the reflection of God’s love for us—sacrificial, patient, and kind. As we strive to embody this love, let’s remember that it’s not something we achieve on our own. It is the Holy Spirit who fills us with God’s love, who transforms our hearts to be more like Christ. When we lean on God, we find the strength to love our spouse, our family, and everyone around us as He first loved us.
May our lives reflect this love in all we do, bringing glory to God and blessing those He has placed in our lives. And as 1 Corinthians 13 reminds us, faith, hope, and love remain, but the greatest of these is love.
©️ Copyright 2024 Gene SimcoMost Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.Scriptures in brackets reflect the original Biblical languages.